my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize