i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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