why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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