Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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