this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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