There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
