I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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