Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
