Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
