I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
