i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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