My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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