i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
