Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
