every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Holy sore nipples Batman
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
