I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
