I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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