i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
