Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
