I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
