I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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