She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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