Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize