Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
