I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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