shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize