bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
