thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
