just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
