quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
