Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize