how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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