woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
