I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize