Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
