the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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