Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize