i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
