i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Im part way to drunk.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize