some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
