Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
