I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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