you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
