if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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