just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
