Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize
