At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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