just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who died my cat blue again?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
