I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
His nipple licking is glorious
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