Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is the high leading the old right now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
