did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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