I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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