the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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