Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
