You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
