god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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