There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
